If the Russia Ukraine Crisis Were a Bar Fight

Updated: 2017-10-09 11:12:56

Russia walks into the bar, feeling pretty awesome for throwing a massive party that everyone went to. There he sees Ukraine in a drunken mess, crying and beating himself up over all of his personal problems. This hurts Russia to watch because they used to be pretty sweet bros and even though things have changed, he hates seeing Ukraine like this. Russia also realizes this could be an opportunity to help Ukraine pick up the pieces and rekindle their friendship.

Before Russia can step in, European Union has a hunch what Russia is thinking and wanders over to Ukraine. European Union basically tells Ukraine, “I’ll be here for you buddy. I’ve got your back. But, you have to promise me you won’t get deeply involved with Russia again.” Russia gets a little irritated by this, but maintains his composure and offers to pay for Ukraine’s drinks because he knows Ukraine’s having some money troubles.

European Union keeps talking with Ukraine in an attempt to get him back on his feet, but the pressure it’s putting on Ukraine causes the problems to worsen. After Ukraine continues his self-deprecating rant, European Union threatens to cut his support for Ukraine if he doesn’t make the effort to pull himself together. Russia gets pissed off. Meanwhile, Ukraine’s now at odds with himself. One half of him really misses Russia and wishes they could get back to being buddies like old times, but the other half hates him now and wants to just move on with his life.

“Come at me, bro.”

Russia steps up next to the two of them and starts flexing his muscles. United Sates has been watching this whole thing unfold. He was pretty passive up until now, but at this point he yells out to Russia, “Calm down, man. There’s no need to get violent.”

Ukraine tells Russia he really should back off. Russia makes up his mind, grabs Ukraine’s arm and says, “Ukraine, I’m driving you home and you aren’t going to argue.” Ukraine steps back, squares up, and calls over to European Union, United States, and any of their other buddies to come help out. United States doesn’t come over yet, but again warns Russia he needs to step away or everybody will think he’s a huge jerk.

Everyone around is paying attention now, nervous as to what’s about to happen.

Russia blocks Ukraine in to where he’s standing, then turns to look at European Union and United States. Now United States stands up and belts out, “Seriously, dude. Don’t make me come over there.” Russia puts his finger close to Ukraine’s face and exclaims, “I’m not touching him. I’m not touching him.”
Then Russia moves a little bit away from Ukraine, laughs it off, and says, “Come on guys, I’m just messin’ with you.” Ukraine isn’t humored. He points out that Russia is still in the way, but Russia claims, “Ukraine, buddy, you know I wouldn’t hurt you unless I really had to.” United States scowls and starts to text some of his friends, asking if they should all just stop hanging out with Russia.

Russia backs off some more and gets a little sassy with Ukraine, telling him, “Do what you have to do.” With things calming down a bit, European Union gets a bit sentimental with Ukraine and offers to help pay off some of his credit cards.

Still utterly intoxicated, Ukraine throws a curveball as he can’t suppress the half of him that still cares about Russia: he looks over at Russia and apologizes, admitting that maybe Russia should, in fact, drive him home. United States is taken aback. “Seriously, Ukraine? This is totally against bro code. If you take his side, we’ll stop hanging out with you, too.”

European Union goes up to the bar to order a drink and think things over. He really wants Russia to just back off so he can help Ukraine. United States and Russia chat a little bit but it doesn’t go anywhere productive.

Ukraine talks to Russia and tells him how part of him really wants to rebuild their friendship, but the other part of him can’t help but hate him. The latter part makes Russia get a bit aggressive. Ukraine’s emotional swings strike again and now he stands up, takes a step back, and says, “Nevermind, Russia. I still don’t want to be your friend.”

At this point, everyone watching this whole thing unfold is tense, confused, and fed up with dealing with it all. They don’t expect Russia to get too belligerent, but they aren’t ruling it out, either. Where it goes next, nobody knows for sure.

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